Underestimate me, that'll be fun.
Updated: Sep 13, 2019
He told me that I was worthless; That I wasn’t going to go anywhere in life. That was the moment I woke up. I realized I was better than his words and I didn’t need him.
We met when I was 19. It was love at first site... or so I thought. Love is blind. What I thought was love was a big fat lie.
It started six months into our relationship. The first time he ever laid hands on me. He threw me up against a brick wall in a rage and I fought back. That was the last time I did that. It just poked the bear even more. I gave him a black eye that night and he used and abused me for the rest of our relationship.
He had a beautiful baby girl and I knew about her even before we started dating. I remember when he found out he was going to be a father he called me and cried. I was living out of province and I sent some gifts to congratulate him and help him out. My entire life the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I used to tell them, “I want to be a mom!” Now I had that; the life I always thought I wanted. But, that life was slipping through the cracks of my fingers. My whole world in my hands...GONE!
From an outsider’s perspective we were the perfect couple and had the most perfect life and family. We were “head over heels” in love. But behind the closed doors of our perfect life we were a mess. He completely took advantage of me. He would go out all night and party while I stayed home and parented his child. Most nights he wouldn’t even come home and when he did it never ended well. When we would go out together I usually drank too much to numb the pain. That’s usually when things would blow up. We would fight and he would rage. He would fight guys in the bar for even looking at me and I thought that was love. He was only being protective of me and he wanted me all to himself. Little did I know he was just keeping me in a cage. He was taking advantage of me.
Two years into our relationship I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was never supposed to be able to bear children. But I “loved” him and our life was going to get better. I believed that and I believed he would change. During my pregnancy he accused me of the baby not being his. That made no sense. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere. I can count on one hand during our five year relationship how many times I was allowed to go out with my own friends and when I did my phone would blow up...
“You piece of shit! Get home!”
“You have a family at home.”
“The kids need you!”
“You better be home by midnight!”
“You’re worthless. Nobody will ever want you!”
The list goes on. Sometimes I think the emotional abuse is so much worse than the physical. Bruises fade but the emotional scars last forever.
After my daughter was born I applied to University for Social Work. I wanted to help women in the same situation as me, or similar. My daughter was about a year and a half old when we moved to Regina. I didn’t end things with him, but I sure tried. I somehow felt free now that we were living in separate cities.
After the first semester was over we had moved back home for a couple weeks. The night before I was supposed to move back to the city for the second semester, we had gone out. I was hearing a lot of rumours that he was dabbling in drugs. It wasn’t absurd to me. At one point after I had moved to the city and tried to end things with him, he had admitted to me that he was partying lots and doing cocaine. He thought he was losing the people he cared about most...BULLSHIT! Don’t get me wrong, I’m no angel and have experimented with my fair share of drugs but I wasn’t about that life anymore. I had a child to look after.
He overheard me talking to a friend about the situation and THAT was when the straw broke the camels back! He called me a piece of shit, asked how I could accuse him of something like that and then we both left. He followed me all the way home that night. The entire time yelling and calling me names. Telling me I was worthless. That I was only good for one thing. He told me I would make nothing of myself. As we got a block from our house he ran, literally sprinted to the house. He tried to lock me out. My foot stopped the door from closing and from there he repeatedly opened and closed the door slamming my foot and head between. When he couldn’t get me out of the way he picked me up and threw me down the concrete stairs. I remember it so vividly. Just laying there at the bottom of the stairs and crying. This was the worst it had ever been between us. I picked myself up, running on adrenaline at this point, walked into the house and locked myself in the bathroom. What was I going to do? We had children, I can’t just leave. I contemplated calling the cops but figured that wasn’t the best idea since we had both been drinking. I ended up calling my best friend at the time. He heard me talking on the phone and kicked in the bathroom door. He grabbed me by the hair and in the process had ripped out one of my earrings. He told me to ”GET THE FUCK OUT!” I left, but not before smashing his brand new PlayStation on my way out. I thought about walking to the cop station from there. I didn’t. Instead, I walked to my parents house. As quietly as possible I crept my way into their house and crawled into bed with my sister. I was trembling. My sister whispered quietly, “What’s wrong?” All I could do at this point was cry. I lifted up the back of my shirt and from my ass to my neck was scrapes, cuts, and bruises. Kind of like when you fall off a bike but so much worse. My sister held me that night as I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I packed up my baby and whatever belongings I could fit in my car and left. Two days later his mom called me and the only thing she said to me was, “Did he hit you? I’m so sorry!” I think she knew all along. Abuse is a cycle that never ends. I still can’t look his family in the face to this day. I did end up going back to him a year later. That only lasted three months. I realized he was still the same prick I had dated for five years of hell and that he really truly was never going to change.
I frequently reflect back on our relationship and that night in particular. I try not to live with any regrets and believe me when I say that I’ve learned from my mistakes. It’s a shitty hand that I was dealt but I believe that it’s made me stronger. It’s taught me how I want to raise my children. I hope that I raise them to be strong and independent. I hope I can teach my children to love themselves with the utmost respect and dignity and to NEVER let anybody treat them the way he treated me! My oldest frequently asks why me and her father broke up and I think that maybe one day I will tell her the truth but at this moment in time I don’t believe she’s ready for that. I want her to look at her father as a hero and not the piece of shit I know him to be. I hate that I will always be tied to him and I sometimes kick myself in the ass for not going to the cops that night, or any night for that matter. I feel like he’s getting off as a free man but with that being said I am a firm believer in karma. I believe that the way he treated me in the past will catch up to him in more ways than it already has.
Through all of this my daughter has been my rock. Although I dropped out of University after the first year I still did further my education. I had to find my purpose and provide a life for myself and my daughter. I learned to love myself and I learned that being alone is OK. Once I came to terms with everything and realized that everything will be OK was when the man of my dreams walked into my life. I have proved my ex wrong in so many aspects of my life. I have found my passion, my ambition, my drive. I have made something of myself. I have found somebody who treats me with respect and works with me as a team. Exactly how a relationship is supposed to be. We have expanded our family and created a home filled with love and stability. I hope my ex sees how happy I am and that I AM enough! I’m not perfect by any means and still struggle with the ghosts from my past but guess what, I MADE IT! I’m happy and I have the family I’ve always wanted. I am a mom, the only thing I’ve ever wanted to be <3