Money in my piggy bank.
I’m not sure how old I was when everything started. If I had to guess, I would say anywhere from 6 - 9 years old. As most parents do, my mom hired a babysitter who lived close by to watch me while she worked evenings. My mom and I both learned to trust him very much as he seemed like a genuine, all around great teenage boy. After some time, things changed drastically. This person who was put into a position of power, used that to his favour. He started by doing small things like watching me change into my PJs at night. Then, he would put money in my piggy bank as payment for his entertainment. He would pull my pants down as I was walking up the stairs in front of him. I remember one occasion where we went tobogganing; I was cold and needed a bath to warm up so I shut and locked the door behind me as I didn't want him inviting himself in. He was so determined to do anything he could to get in, he actually took something and put it through that pin sized hole in the door handle to unlock it. He walked in and started watching me. By this point, it had been going on long enough that I started speaking up to him. I told him to leave and eventually he did. As usual, he went and put money in my piggy bank.
Now, if you think all of this is bad, just wait. On several occasions, he would actually grab me and put me on his face. I don’t think I need to explain what he would do. Again, he would go put money in my piggy bank after this. I would just cringe when my mom had to work because I knew that meant HE was coming over. I loved when he had something going on with school or work because his mom would fill in for him. She was seriously the biggest gem ever. I don’t know how the hell that guy came from her!
I never told more than one person for years because I was afraid of what people would think of me. Who would my single mother find to babysit? The one person I told was our backup sitter. I honestly don’t even remember his name, how we knew him, etc. I blocked out so much that went on, except for the bad. I couldn’t even pick out his mom if I saw her now and I liked her so much.
When I was a young adult (17 ish), I FINALLY told someone else because I felt I could trust him. I did it in a letter because there was no way I could actually say it out loud. He was absolutely livid with the guy but was absolutely great about everything. He eventually convinced me to tell to tell my mom and step dad. We just let them read the letter.
As any parent would, my mom was angry and felt guilty. I have never once blamed her for any of this. She had no idea what was going on and would not have ever let him near me again had she known.
I was lucky to have people in my life who loved me very much when I was ready to come out about this. They also convinced me to take this to the police. I knew nothing would be done because it had been so long and it was my word against his. Telling the police was actually easier than I thought it would be. Everyone talks so negatively about them but they made me feel comfortable and as if I was just talking to a friend. They were there to support ME. They did ask me if I had ever been raped by him and I truly don’t know the answer to this question. I’m ok with not knowing because if I was, I would have just one more big, negative thing to add to this whole situation. Although nothing was ever done legally, because it couldn’t be, he is now on their radar. I hope he has never done something like this to anyone else but if he has, I hope something is done for them.
I’ve had way more stuff happen to me through the years. Unfortunately, this was just the beginning.
12.5 years after meeting, I’m now married to the first person I ever told my story to as a young adult. We don’t have any children together. I’ve often thought I wanted to be a mother but how could I possibly bring a child into this world knowing that there are others like him out there? He is still out there.
I used to look at his Facebook profile often. I had seen his best friend had a baby and they were often spending time together. I just cringe at this. That poor child! I know people can change and I truly hope he has, not for his sake but for everyone else around him. I just looked and see his relationship status is “single”. This makes me feel very relieved; I don’t think this guy should be dating women if this is how he has treated a child! Imagine dating someone like him and finding this out!!! I need to block him so I cannot see anything ever.
This loser set me up for years of self doubt, terrible relationships, extra trust issues with men (just adding to what my dad already did), feeling guilty speaking out around men, etc. He caused me to have absolutely no intimate feelings towards sex and anything sexual. How can I ever think of sex in a deep, intimate way after this? It’s just an act. He even made me have weird feelings around money. It is dirty! I believe this is part of the reason that I just spend money as soon as I get it and then freak out because I have nothing.
These years of abuse from this guy have broken me in more ways than I can count, caused many meltdowns and a lot of anger. Finally telling someone years later, going to the police and eventually confronting him have eased some of this, but definitely not all. I don’t think all of this will ever go away.
I know I am not responsible for anything he did; that is all on him. He is pathetic and at this point in my life, I truly hope he feels pathetic.
I want to move on from this but I truly don’t know how. I have seen a variety of therapists, read so many articles, talked to people, etc. I know I have the ability to control my own life but it’s so hard to not let shit like this affect you. Is it even possible to completely move on or get over something like this?!